Irony's Wish

I want to tell you a dream. It’s a childish dream but it’s a dream that goes like this: me in a big castle made out of sparkling crystals and a crystal garden surrounding it, and me wearing all the dresses I want to wear. The source of these types of delusions started two years ago when I became heavily addicted to reading a book. I got it from the school book fair. It was about a girl who lived in a place like the ones in my dream. The girl in the story was beautiful and so very colorful, always wearing a smile surrounded by the peaceful solitude the castle provided her.

. . . But things like that can never happen, in the real world, things never go well. I know this because I hate the school I go to. The students there are so mean to me, teasing me all the time for my pink eyes and hair and hurting me even when I cry out "Please stop!" They continue on without a moment of hesitation. Someone please tell me what I ever did to deserve this endless torture. . It hurts. . I want it all to stop . . . Please. . I want to cry so much but it will do nothing, nothing at all . . .

I hate going home; it smells like the smoke of Mama's cigarette. Mama doesn't care much about me at all. Yes she feeds me and gives me clothes and stuff but she looks coldly at me, with no life in her eyes at all. . . Even coming home with cuts and bruises, she doesn't care at all. . . It feels like her eyes are stabbing me each time she looks at me. She’s scary and always grumpy.. I don't like Mama . . . .

I hate Papa too, one day he left Mama and me for work and never came back. The reason why Papa never came back was because he no longer loved Mama and wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't want the responsibility of taking care of child. I can’t remember a time I ever liked Mama or Papa because they always fought over everything. I hated the fights and hated them more. I’m starting to hate the world as well, Nothing friendly has ever come my way out of it,. It is always something that stabs my heart harder than Mama’s eyes over and over again. Why must the world be so cruel? I don't understand what people think so fondly about it. How can they see something so evil as something so beautiful. . . The world is something that I feel nothing towards to but hate.

 Could it be that I receive these punishments that never end because I’m too quiet of a girl at the age of 6? Is it because I hate so many things? Is it wrong for me to hate these things? If it is, I still don’t care; I’ll always hate everything . . . . Because I’m living a life anyone can hate. . . This life, a life almost as if it was planned out from the start to be hammered down with obstacles to bring me down more and more . . .

 I want to escape everything and fly away from here, from everything. But I can’t’, I’m not a free bird like the ones outside. Rather, I'm a caged bird whose wings have been clipped off. Whose feathers were once bright with happiness, now dull with despair and hatred . . . A single black wingless bird without a voice . . . Those days where I was happy was when I was in a different town and school. The people there were much nicer. Even though Mama and Papa were still mean, I liked it there. But something good must always end and that’s exactly what happened . . .

  The only thing that brings me a little happiness and manages to calm me down is the crystal necklace I always wear. So shiny and pretty.. All I need is this, and everything else can disappear...The school with the students, Mama, Papa, this city, even the world. It makes every single thing that makes my head scrambled fade away… Bringing me those sweet, sweet, daydreams once more.

I remember that day I found it,. It was in the middle of spring and I ran out the house after Mama burnt me with her cigarette. I ran so much that day for such a long time before I decided to go back home. And along the way, I found it. It was dirty, covered in mud and such but it attracted me so much I couldn't look away. So I took it and washed it and decided to always wear it.

Feeling peace of mind, a colorful bird catches the corner of my eye. It’s so pretty, like a crystal. I approach it, but it flies away before I can get close to it. . . I don’t know why but I chase after it. Something unknown propelling my mind, body, and soul to go after it. . . Why does it feel like I'm not me . . .? Everything is slowly being forgotten; even the pain in my legs. . . Just me and the bird . . . like I’m no longer alone. . . My brain can't function right at all . . .

  The light turns red, but my body ignores my brain to stop, it’s too late. . . . .

I turn my head, my reflection in the window, such a miserable sight indeed. The truck makes impact with my body sending me flying. A great amount of pain goes through me. In the matter of seconds, my blood splattering all over the place, it’s strong smell in the air. I could smell it, the smell almost like iron and the sun gradually setting . . . .

  For the first time, I have only one wish and it’s to be in the dreams that I have, to live there, away from everyone and everything, where only the positiveness of the world can be. Where only kind people can go . . . And maybe one day I will make a friend there . . . I just want to belong somewhere. . . .